Monday, July 19, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
RETURN OF THE REJECTS?
ROB ZOMBIE recently mentioned that he may revive the Firefly family and let them kille again!
CHEAP HORROR MOVIE SCARES
Here they are ,The Most Used Cheap Horror Movie Scares
Victim running from killer ALWAYS trips and falls
PATTERN: Almost without exception, if a girl is running from an axe wielding psycho you can bet she trips over something and falls down. Often you'll notice she trips over thin air, amazing how the survivor girls are so uncoordinated yet still, you know, survive!
REALITY: I'm sorry but the few times in my life when I've been running from something or someone that scared me, I was moving faster than lightening (felt that way) and didn't trip. Have you tripped up while running away from someone? I'll give you this too, they didn't even need to be chasing you with a chainsaw . . . you just plain tripped.
The current love interest of the protagonist is a total douche
PATTERN: You've seen this one. The lead of the film loves a girl, but the girl has a boyfriend. Already you know there is a 99% chance that this boyfriend will end up being a complete jerk. He screams at her, demeans her, doesn’t respect her. You can’t see why she’s with him in the first place. However, whatever the reason it doesn’t matter because you know she’s going to end up with the main character in the end anyway when she finally sees the douche for what he is, and leaves him for the protagonist (or the deadbeat b/f gets sliced and diced so the hero gets sloppy seconds).
REALITY: The hot chick's boyfriend is 10 times better looking, funnier, smarter, richer and all round a better person than you. Cue Nelson's (The Simpson's) point and laugh here, "HA-HA".
The survivor can magically go toe to toe with the killer during the film's finale
PATTERN: The hero is quiet and reserved throughout the majority of the movie while being eclipsed by their much more outgoing friends. As their friends meet their maker one by one the survivor begins to change. We finally reach the showdown between the sheltered protagonist and brain eating ghoul. Before the film's climax, the killer had no prob dispatching countless victims with ease (most of which were more athletic and capable of defending themselves than the main character) but now the survivor's punches, kicks and pretty much everything else hurts and slows down the killer. The antagonist's time average per kill gets all screwed up in a horror movie climax.
REALITY: You run into the killer, YOU DIE! THE END
Opening a door slowly means cheap scare soon to follow
PATTERN: The hero hears a noise coming from the closet. They slowly approach the door and then turn the handle ever so carefully. So close now, almost open and BAM! Or . . . Hero opens the door and nothing. Hero takes deep sigh of relief to turn around and BAM!
REALITY: You hear a noise and you get the crap out of the house, jump in the car and drive to Taco Bell (cause you worked up an appetite) all while calling 911. The same is applied for hearing noises upstairs.
Character is sitting in their car and BAM! Someone hits the car door window accompanied by a loud blast of music
PATTERN: There's a good chance you'll see one of these moments pop up in a horror movie made within the last decade. Funny, watch these scenes with the sound off and it's not scary at all. It has everything to do with the piercing sound of music that blasts for that split second just to get that cheap scare. Honestly, every time in a horror movie when I see a conversation being held in a parked car I immediate countdown for the old window trick (They haven't let me down yet).
REALITY: Who walks up to a car door window and slams on it to get somebody's attention? Or one step further, who just walks up and stares waiting to get the occupants attentions? Psychopaths who are already in prison for doing much worse things, that's who!
The killer walks yet still keeps up with the victim
PATTERN: This is an 80's trend. Girl is running a marathon yet for completely unexplained reasons the nutcase is taking a midnight stroll and he's still right on her heels.
REALITY: Girl runs + Killer walks = Girl gets away, comes back with police and killer doesn't get out of jail free!
Once the film's cast has been introduced in the first act, you can pick out which ones are going to die immediately
PATTERN: Douche bag Jock, hmmmm Dead! Stoner, lets think, Dead! Best friend, oh they are really Dead. Other random character who has just enough screen time . . . just paint a bulls eye on their head.
REALITY: If a Psycho wants you dead they won't take the time to knock off everybody else you know first (or anybody you've made human contact with for that matter) . . . they just ring your door bell and BAM!
The black guy always dies first!
PATTERN: For some reason or another Hollywood thinks that any minority especially African Americans can only be cast in horror movies for easy early death scenes.
REALITY: If we did a random test and had 10 white guys and 10 black guys and set a psychopathic hockey masked killer loose chances are we would still have 10 guys left. 5 black guys that had gun, and 5 white guys that have brains.
Possibly one of the most overused cheap scares. The mirror trick
PATTERN: So your washing your hands, minding your own business (keep in mind your friends have been dying off because there's a killer on the loose) you shut the water off and (wait for it) slowly look up and WHAMO! Said killer is staring at you.
REALITY: Your friends are dying for Christ sakes! Do you really have time to stand there and talk to yourself in the mirror, then lean down and scrub your hands for 60 seconds only to slowly look up, not hearing a damn killer right behind you letting himself in the room. USE HAND SANITIZER FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY! It's 2010!
The killer, although can be hurt, can never seem to be put away for good
PATTERN: The Killer gets stabbed, shot, hacked, drowned, hung, almost decapitated but you ain't getting rid of them that easily, wait what? Why not? Because of the sequel of course!
REALITY: Shotgun blast to the head equals death! Sorry kids, that's just the way life is.
A cheep scare by a loud animal.
PATTERN: It's really quiet, the YAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, a stupid black cat is having its time of the month and has a bad attitude.
REALITY: The cat scream, you kick it to the moon.
THE FINAL LIST ITEM: Someone tries to call for help, the phones dead and there's no cell phone reception.
REALITY:If you don't have signal then you need to switch to AT&T
Victim running from killer ALWAYS trips and falls
PATTERN: Almost without exception, if a girl is running from an axe wielding psycho you can bet she trips over something and falls down. Often you'll notice she trips over thin air, amazing how the survivor girls are so uncoordinated yet still, you know, survive!
REALITY: I'm sorry but the few times in my life when I've been running from something or someone that scared me, I was moving faster than lightening (felt that way) and didn't trip. Have you tripped up while running away from someone? I'll give you this too, they didn't even need to be chasing you with a chainsaw . . . you just plain tripped.
The current love interest of the protagonist is a total douche
PATTERN: You've seen this one. The lead of the film loves a girl, but the girl has a boyfriend. Already you know there is a 99% chance that this boyfriend will end up being a complete jerk. He screams at her, demeans her, doesn’t respect her. You can’t see why she’s with him in the first place. However, whatever the reason it doesn’t matter because you know she’s going to end up with the main character in the end anyway when she finally sees the douche for what he is, and leaves him for the protagonist (or the deadbeat b/f gets sliced and diced so the hero gets sloppy seconds).
REALITY: The hot chick's boyfriend is 10 times better looking, funnier, smarter, richer and all round a better person than you. Cue Nelson's (The Simpson's) point and laugh here, "HA-HA".
The survivor can magically go toe to toe with the killer during the film's finale
PATTERN: The hero is quiet and reserved throughout the majority of the movie while being eclipsed by their much more outgoing friends. As their friends meet their maker one by one the survivor begins to change. We finally reach the showdown between the sheltered protagonist and brain eating ghoul. Before the film's climax, the killer had no prob dispatching countless victims with ease (most of which were more athletic and capable of defending themselves than the main character) but now the survivor's punches, kicks and pretty much everything else hurts and slows down the killer. The antagonist's time average per kill gets all screwed up in a horror movie climax.
REALITY: You run into the killer, YOU DIE! THE END
Opening a door slowly means cheap scare soon to follow
PATTERN: The hero hears a noise coming from the closet. They slowly approach the door and then turn the handle ever so carefully. So close now, almost open and BAM! Or . . . Hero opens the door and nothing. Hero takes deep sigh of relief to turn around and BAM!
REALITY: You hear a noise and you get the crap out of the house, jump in the car and drive to Taco Bell (cause you worked up an appetite) all while calling 911. The same is applied for hearing noises upstairs.
Character is sitting in their car and BAM! Someone hits the car door window accompanied by a loud blast of music
PATTERN: There's a good chance you'll see one of these moments pop up in a horror movie made within the last decade. Funny, watch these scenes with the sound off and it's not scary at all. It has everything to do with the piercing sound of music that blasts for that split second just to get that cheap scare. Honestly, every time in a horror movie when I see a conversation being held in a parked car I immediate countdown for the old window trick (They haven't let me down yet).
REALITY: Who walks up to a car door window and slams on it to get somebody's attention? Or one step further, who just walks up and stares waiting to get the occupants attentions? Psychopaths who are already in prison for doing much worse things, that's who!
The killer walks yet still keeps up with the victim
PATTERN: This is an 80's trend. Girl is running a marathon yet for completely unexplained reasons the nutcase is taking a midnight stroll and he's still right on her heels.
REALITY: Girl runs + Killer walks = Girl gets away, comes back with police and killer doesn't get out of jail free!
Once the film's cast has been introduced in the first act, you can pick out which ones are going to die immediately
PATTERN: Douche bag Jock, hmmmm Dead! Stoner, lets think, Dead! Best friend, oh they are really Dead. Other random character who has just enough screen time . . . just paint a bulls eye on their head.
REALITY: If a Psycho wants you dead they won't take the time to knock off everybody else you know first (or anybody you've made human contact with for that matter) . . . they just ring your door bell and BAM!
The black guy always dies first!
PATTERN: For some reason or another Hollywood thinks that any minority especially African Americans can only be cast in horror movies for easy early death scenes.
REALITY: If we did a random test and had 10 white guys and 10 black guys and set a psychopathic hockey masked killer loose chances are we would still have 10 guys left. 5 black guys that had gun, and 5 white guys that have brains.
Possibly one of the most overused cheap scares. The mirror trick
PATTERN: So your washing your hands, minding your own business (keep in mind your friends have been dying off because there's a killer on the loose) you shut the water off and (wait for it) slowly look up and WHAMO! Said killer is staring at you.
REALITY: Your friends are dying for Christ sakes! Do you really have time to stand there and talk to yourself in the mirror, then lean down and scrub your hands for 60 seconds only to slowly look up, not hearing a damn killer right behind you letting himself in the room. USE HAND SANITIZER FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY! It's 2010!
The killer, although can be hurt, can never seem to be put away for good
PATTERN: The Killer gets stabbed, shot, hacked, drowned, hung, almost decapitated but you ain't getting rid of them that easily, wait what? Why not? Because of the sequel of course!
REALITY: Shotgun blast to the head equals death! Sorry kids, that's just the way life is.
A cheep scare by a loud animal.
PATTERN: It's really quiet, the YAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, a stupid black cat is having its time of the month and has a bad attitude.
REALITY: The cat scream, you kick it to the moon.
THE FINAL LIST ITEM: Someone tries to call for help, the phones dead and there's no cell phone reception.
REALITY:If you don't have signal then you need to switch to AT&T
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
